The Road to CES 2006

Well I’ve finally arrived at CES – later than most but I’ve got a real job back home that doesn’t allow me to skip town so easily. The road to CES is an interesting one. One paved with miles and miles of nerds. If you ever make it out to a CES… or a Star Trek convention it is important to know your nerd. I’ve taken the time to break it down for those of you still in denial (you are reading this blog aren’t you?). Although there are many classifications of nerd, I’d like to discss some of the more prevalent ones here at CES.

The nerd lineage can be confusing to the layman whose only education in the field comes from USA Network Revenge of the Nerds marathons. Taped spectacles and pocket protectors are so… last equinox!

The Lord looked down from the Heavens wearing his Roy Orbison blue blocker sunglasses and chuckled to himself. No, he would not squint this day from the reflective sheen of male pattern baldness! It was cruel yet amusing, quite possibly his greatest creation ever – the receding hairline. And hence, this forced humility was the catalyst of what would become the frizzle nerd. Most people assume 3 is the holiest number, but actually 25 is much more sacred. You see, at age 25 you should stop, look in the mirror and say, “Man, I’m not so hip anymore. These leather pants need to be retired. Where are all these taxes being taken from my paycheck going again? Is my hair receding?” This is where the frizzle nerd mutation occurs. In response to the Lord’s cruel trick, the frizzle nerd whips out his big Styrofoam middle finger and says, “Oh yeah sucka, I don’t think the back is receding.” As the forehead grows, the rear-hair (not ass hair, although I guess it is possible) grows equally. This rare commodity of rear-hair cannot be jeopardized by regular grooming or shears. Oh no, it simply is harvested in a rubber-band and left to hang in its natural frizzy glory. As many mysteries of the Lord would have it, no one knows exactly why, but the frizzle nerd tends to be 7 – 8 feet tall, wear black jeans, leather jacket, worker boots, carries around graph paper, 26 sided dice, that evaporating hand cleaner crap and has an endless supply of 70’s rock jerseys. I didn’t mention the glasses because there is really no mystery there – were taking nerds.

…and on the 8th day of continuous Mountain Dew imbibing and Risk strategizing, the Lord cometh up to the mountain and declared that there would be a new race of super nerds! Oh frizzles beware for the Lord unleasheth onto modern society the eternal 12 year-old! This marvel of biology is the fountain of youth personified! Sure you can put them in a coat and tie, but that won’t be enough to drown out the chorus of women crying out, “Oh how cute, a little man!”. That pasty complexion, those freckles, the complete lack of upper body strength are sure-fire indicators that you have encountered the eternal 12 year-old nerd. Hold your tongue, don’t laugh – this nerd could very well own the company employing you!

And so it was, Al Gore invented the Internet and the Lord came down and said, “Bullshit dude!” But it was too late; the 2nd gold rush was already underway. Stage 1 and 2 nerds were perversely diluted with obscene monetary compensation for ideas that were barely ideas. The dot-com boom, otherwise know as Project Rich Nerd Poor Nerd separated random nerds from the lucky nerds. Some social experiments cannot be performed in space with Russian monkeys – this is one of them. Who could have imagined such bizarre side-effects of giving stage 1 and 2 nerds unlimited financial squander then zapping it away? Although the experiment was short lived (give who Flooze?), we still see its effect today. Rich nerd/Poor nerd types can be identified by their need to be seen working. You know how just as your plane touches down there is always that dick on his cell phone practically yelling, “Dude, I literally just landed – we’ll go over those prospects later.” Chances are that supa-genius used to run a dot-com for some unnecessary service. Telltale signs that you have encountered a Rich nerd/Poor nerd: They are wearing rectangular rimmed prescription glasses, they drive (possibly stand on) an “alternative” vehicle, they don’t own a tie – they just wear turtlenecks with ridiculous patterned jackets. But the most obvious sign that you’ve encountered this breed of nerd is that no matter how advanced you think your cell phone is, this nerd will have a better one - and it’ll be crawling up the side of his fucking head like some kind of Star Trek communicator on acid, poking around in his ear while simultaneously injecting an Airborne/EmergenC solution into his nerdy veins.

The Lord sat and pondered, how could he harness more nerd power? Then it came to him, like an autistic savant playing the national anthem on the wet rims of wine glasses – he’d take away their ability to use a mirror! The Lord redirected the energy spent on this meaningless self-evaluation to a higher purpose and hence the Lord created the Oblivious to the Physical Self nerd. This nerd can discuss with you every nuance of his WOW character while sipping down a full liter of Dr. Pepper at 7am. Shopping is a nuisance to this nerd and is only performed by his relatives in Kentucky who ship him garments like shirts with rooster scenes on them and green jeans. A nasty side effect to this nerd mutation is the allergic reaction they experience to pants that brush against the back of their Velcro jogging shoes, hence the need for a 4 inch hem. Bathing and brushing of the hair are weekly distractions indicated by the quaint digital chirping alarm of a calculator wristwatch. Quite possibly the friendliest of all nerds you’ll encounter. Guaranteed party animal online.

Those are just a few of the many different kinds of nerds out and about at CES 2006. Oh, and if you are wondering about my nerd status, well I fall into the over-crowded Chubby Nerd category. And I’m damn proud sucka!

More CES 2006 coverage to come…